Many of us have heard our girlfriends say time and time again – “I just want a nice guy.” It’s a sentiment that’s echoed in countless conversations about dating, relationships, and the qualities we value most in a potential partner. But what exactly does it mean to be a “nice guy,” and how can we spot the signs of behavior that may indicate otherwise?

As a therapist who’s seen her fair share of relationship dynamics, I’ve learned to recognize certain red flags that can signal trouble ahead in the quest for a nice guy. Here are a few behaviors to watch out for:

1. Lacks Self-Direction: A nice guy should possess a sense of purpose, direction, and autonomy in his life. If you find that your potential partner lacks clear goals, ambitions, or a sense of self-direction, it may be a sign that he’s not yet fully equipped to be a supportive and reliable partner in a relationship.
2. Co-Dependent Tendencies: Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of interdependence – where each partner maintains a sense of autonomy and self-sufficiency while also supporting and nurturing the other. If your potential partner exhibits co-dependent tendencies – such as relying excessively on others for validation, approval, or emotional support – it may indicate underlying issues that could impact the health and stability of the relationship.
3. Explosive Temper: A nice guy should possess the ability to communicate effectively, manage conflict constructively, and regulate his emotions in a healthy and respectful manner. If you find that your potential partner has a tendency towards explosive outbursts, anger issues, or difficulty controlling his temper, it may be a warning sign of deeper underlying issues that could potentially manifest in the relationship.
4. Inability to Communicate Feelings: Effective communication is key to any healthy relationship. If your potential partner struggles to express his feelings, communicate openly and honestly, or engage in meaningful conversations about emotions and needs, it may indicate a lack of emotional maturity or readiness for a committed relationship.
5. Acts Like “King Baby”: In relationships, it’s important for both partners to approach conflicts and disagreements with maturity, empathy, and a willingness to compromise. If your potential partner tends to act like a “King Baby” – throwing tantrums, sulking, or demanding special treatment when things don’t go his way – it may be a sign of immaturity and an inability to navigate conflict in a healthy and respectful manner.
6. Feels Entitled: A nice guy should treat others with kindness, respect, and empathy – without expecting special treatment or privileges in return. If your potential partner feels entitled to certain treatments, privileges, or accommodations without regard for your boundaries or needs, it may indicate a lack of empathy and an unhealthy sense of entitlement.
7. Doesn’t Respect Boundaries: Boundaries are essential in any healthy relationship, helping to define the space, autonomy, and respect each partner deserves. If your potential partner consistently disregards your boundaries, crosses your limits, or fails to respect your autonomy and agency, it may be a sign of disrespect and a lack of consideration for your needs and preferences.
8. Keeps Score or Transactional: Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, generosity, and reciprocity – not on keeping score or treating interactions as transactional exchanges. If your potential partner tends to keep score of favors, gifts, or acts of kindness, or expects something in return for his efforts, it may indicate a lack of genuine generosity and a transactional approach to relationships.

Ultimately, finding a “nice guy” is about more than just surface-level qualities or outward appearances. It’s about finding someone who respects, supports, and uplifts you – someone who shares your values, communicates openly and honestly, and treats you with kindness and compassion. By staying vigilant for red flags and prioritizing your own well-being and happiness, you can navigate the dating scene with clarity and confidence – and find the love and companionship you truly deserve.