We have heard the fiasco about Keke Palmer and her baby daddy Darius Jackson — not that I agree but let’s talk about a topic that’s all too common but rarely discussed openly—the unspoken parental expectations and the impact they play on our partners. Shortly after the birth of our second child, my husband would say to me “but you’re a mother” every time he said this to me, I saw red and wanted to gouache his throat.
Following his words, I would ask myself, what does he mean? I am a mother! I take care of my children not having dinner ready by 6 pm does make me any less of a mother! What the F***K he meant by “come on you’re a mother? After many disagreements, I finally sat down and asked him what did he mean by “you’re a mother”. He explained that his grandmother and mom, always had things ready, and hardly ever ran late, I calmly explained to him I am me and not them. I quickly realized that we didn’t discuss maternal expectations, we discussed many things saving money, parenting style and if we would let kids watch TV, those things felt superficial to us compared to this. Realizing these unspoken hopes and dreams, while often well-intentioned, can have a significant impact on the dynamics of our relationship.
The silent burden of parental expectations placed on our partners can use a strain on our relationships. Strained communication and untold expectations can lead to a breakdown in communication between partners. The toll of strained communication can also cause emotional distance leading to unmet expectations that can create emotional distance between partners. Partners may feel disconnected or alienated.
The untold expectations and impact on romantic relationships often go undetected some of the challenges include individuals who carry the weight of unspoken parental expectations may seek validation from their partners, looking for external reassurance that they are “good enough.” This dependence on validation can strain the relationship and create unnecessary pressure. The internal conflict resulting from parental expectations can make decision-making in a relationship challenging. Individuals may struggle to prioritize their own needs and desires, leading to a sense of ambivalence.
Often, gender-specific expectations can influence how individuals perceive their roles in relationships. These deeply ingrained expectations may result in unequal distribution of responsibilities and hinder healthy communication.
What has helped in my relationships is open communication to address the impact of untold expectations, and open and honest communication with my partner. Encouraging a safe space for discussing feelings and aspirations fosters understanding and acceptance. It was important to cultivate compassion understand that they are not defined by others’ expectations and embrace their individuality.
Breaking the silence surrounding untold parental expectations is the first step in nurturing healthier relationships and fostering stronger, more authentic romantic connections. By embracing individuality, open communication, and compassion, individuals can break free from the chains of unspoken expectations and pave the way for genuine, fulfilling connections with their partners.