Recently, retired NFL Quarterback Cam Newton sat down with Iyanla Vanzant in a compelling episode that brought to light the complexity of parental roles, inner healing, and self-forgiveness. In an emotionally charged conversation, Iyanla made a powerful statement: “I was a horrible mother but a great father.” This admission revealed the multidimensional nature of parenting, especially when shaped by past wounds.

Iyanla’s words strike a chord with many parents who juggle multiple roles sometimes feeling like they’ve failed in one aspect while overcompensating in another. Her confession wasn’t just an acknowledgment of her shortcomings but also an invitation to explore what it means to forgive ourselves as parents, especially when we feel we haven’t lived up to societal ideals.

Being a parent is one of the most challenging roles we can undertake. It’s not just about providing shelter, food, and education it’s about shaping a human being’s emotional and spiritual well-being. Many parents, like Iyanla, come into this role with their own unresolved traumas, carrying the weight of their past into their parenting style. When Iyanla described herself as a “horrible mother but a great father,” she was pointing to her emotional distance and harsh discipline as a mother, while also highlighting the strong, protective, and directive role she played.

For many of us, this resonates deeply. We may look back at our parenting years and see moments where we were less nurturing, too focused on survival, or unaware of how our own wounds impacted our ability to be present for our children. The guilt and shame that follow these realizations can be overwhelming.

One of the most important lessons Iyanla teaches through her work is the necessity of forgiving ourselves. As parents, we often hold ourselves to impossible standards, believing we must be perfect, endlessly patient, and always available. When we fall short, it’s easy to internalize that failure and carry it as a burden.

However, forgiving ourselves is crucial for healing. We must accept that we are imperfect beings, doing the best we can with the tools we have. Acknowledging our mistakes isn’t about dwelling on them but about finding peace within ourselves. This act of self-compassion opens the door to healing not only for us but also for our children, who benefit from seeing their parents as humans who are capable of growth and change.

Part of forgiving ourselves as parents involves healing our own inner child. Iyanla’s insight into her parental role is deeply connected to the wounds she experienced in her own childhood. Many of us parent from a place of unhealed trauma, projecting our unresolved issues onto our children. Whether it’s a need for control, perfection, or emotional distance, these patterns often stem from our inner child’s unmet needs.

Healing our inner child means going back to the source of our pain and offering ourselves the love and understanding we may have lacked growing up. It requires nurturing that wounded part of ourselves so that we no longer need to pass on that hurt to our children. It also allows us to show up in our relationships with more compassion and empathy.

One of the most profound realizations from Iyanla’s episode is the idea that we can be both flawed and amazing parents at the same time. Parenting is not a one-dimensional experience. We are often doing multiple things at once being protectors, providers, disciplinarians, nurturers and sometimes, we’re better at one role than another due to lives circumstances or unhealed trauma.

Iyanla’s vulnerability in this episode also reminds us of the importance of dialogue between generations. Her conversation allowed space for reflection on what it means to parent while healing, a journey that continues throughout life. As we grow and heal, we must learn to embrace both our failures and our successes as parents, understanding that we are constantly evolving.

In the end, the message is clear, self-forgiveness is key to healing as a parent. We all have moments where we feel we’ve fallen short, but those moments don’t define us. Like Iyanla, we must come to terms with the fact that we did the best we could with what we knew. We owe it to ourselves and our children to forgive, heal, and move forward with compassion.

The journey of parenting is never perfect, but it offers endless opportunities for growth. By healing our inner child, forgiving our imperfections, and embracing our duality as both strong and vulnerable, we can create healthier relationships with our children and with ourselves. The path forward is one of acceptance, learning, and self-compassion, and it starts by acknowledging that it’s okay to be both a great father and a flawed mother, just as it’s okay to be an imperfect human striving for wholeness.